The shower is a beautiful invention. It cleans the body of filth and the soul of the burdens. It's where ideas are filtered, polished, and clarity shines squeaky clean with the subtle scent of peppermint and orange peel.

     About a month ago I found myself in said shower reflecting on my mental health. It's not my favorite pastime, but it's one I commit too frequently... far too frequently. Something I struggle with is my family. My mom in particular was the subject that gave birth to "Cursed King". She has never understood "depression." Her words, not mine. She is fully capable of forcing a happy thought in her head and it results in no more negative thoughts. I'd be more envious if it wasn't the cause of a lot of our arguments.

     So while in the beautiful respite of the shower I played with the thought of making a game that could show my mom what "depression" can be like. How it feels and how it causes certain behaviors. An hour later, after drying off, I had a fully finished playtest.

     I don't believe my mother will ever play this. She hates roleplaying games and doesn't have the patience for board games. But I'm sure she'll be happy to know I made this for her.

     For you the player I'd like to take this moment to write out my thoughts and philosophy of play. To explain the creative choices I made and why.

The King

     I love this idea of playing as a reluctant ruler. Someone who feels the weight and consequences of their power. Someone who will be blamed for everything outside of their control. Someone who has to make it all work. 

     Depression feels a lot like that struggle. It can make you feel powerless. Trapped. But you have to make it work. You have to keep moving on even when everything beautiful around you is corrupted by anguish.

     When making the game, the image I had in my head was that of a regal king, glorious and splendent, standing atop a marble balcony and looking over a vast and expansive kingdom. But the king's face is that of terror and sobering regret. The painting, "Ivan the Terrible and his Son" was huge inspiration for that visualization. The cover and banner image is based on that painting.

The Dice

     The die and its plurals represent problems. They represent the chance of a good day or a bad day. In the fiction of the game, the die determines the outcome of a "Harvest". A Harvest can be "Good" or it can be "Bad". Much like the day to day life of someone with depression, the days can be "Good" or they can be Bad".

     But the days aren't equivalent in value. "Good" feels more like maintaining a status quo. Achieving homeostasis, no matter how minimal. But a "Bad" day can be destructive.

The Value

     Value is the value in one's self. Within the fiction of the game it is the perceived value others have in you. As a King you're only as strong as your people think you are. An argument can be made that you're only as strong as you yourself believe you are. This mechanic is effectively the timer for your game. And a blessed one at that, lest this game go on forever.

The Advisor

     Every King has a court, and yours does too. These are the powerful people who's strings you have to pull to get things done. My interpretation was that Advisors are your friends and family. 

     Depression did a terrible thing to me that made me push people away and this mechanic was the way to represent that. These "Advisors" will help you, but if you rely on them too much they will leave your court. You push them away.

     At the time of writing this segment it has been a few months since I last creatively focused on this game. I like to shut myself off from my games after I'm done with them. I want to give them time off (as well as myself) and see how they do in a vacuum. Right now this is probably the worst performing product I've made so far. But I expected that. This is niche. This is weird. And as a game I would never market it as "fun." But I did have "fun" making it. It was this perfect little experience meshing the feelings, the art, and the writing into one cohesive product. And I'm so proud of what I've made. This little book kicks ass.

     But I wanted to comeback and put a little bow on this devlog. I can safely say that currently I am in a better place mentally. Depression will always be something I struggle with. It's taken years of therapy and many more of reflection to finally get where I am now. Part of me feels like it's owed to this game. It was a kind of therapy for me. I think in the way that journaling can be therapy for others. Journaling never worked for me, it'd always manage to make me feel worse. And it would leave me in a bad headspace. With this project it was like I could feel the some of that depression seep away into the pages, the words and art. Not interred, but given a new home to refocus and redirect that energy into something more positive.

Happy New Year y'all! Lets hope 2025 is a better one.